Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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