By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
