I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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