Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
