she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
