it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
