I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
