Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
