I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
