I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
