Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
