I'm so fucking centered right now
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
