Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
