I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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