There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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