i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
