every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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