if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Randomize
