I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
