the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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