i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
