You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
