I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
