who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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