Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
