hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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