my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
