she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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