Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
