I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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