I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
