i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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