Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
