I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
