so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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