I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
