an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
