I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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