She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
