hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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