So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
