Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
