i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
