Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
