Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
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