it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
