he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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