I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
