Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
