hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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