One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
